Poo: 1, Parents: 0; and Other Things I Didn't Expect About Parenthood

Aside from the allergies and whatnots, these are the things that surprised me most about becoming a mom:

Breastfeeding is very challenging. It took me months to be halfway decent at it, and if it hadn't been for my husband's support, I definitely would have quit ages ago. So I'm kind of amazed the human race has survived this long because as natural as breastfeeding is, it does not come naturally. At all.

I can spend five hours trying to put my little feister to bed.

If you listen to Frere Jacques enough times, it becomes judgmental.

It takes A LOT to embarrass me now. "What's that? Haven't showered, the spit up on my pants isn't today's, and I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair? Yeah, I can totally go run errands if you watch the baby!" New parents are hot stuff.

During the height of colic, when somebody came over and did the dishes, I cried tears of thanks because it was the most beautiful gift I'd ever been given.

Thou shalt not mess with nap/bedtime.

My beautiful little angel can fart like a frat boy. She always smiles afterward.

I have no problem pulling a booger out of my baby's nose. With my bare hands. Well, very few qualms anyway.

The number of times I sniff my baby's bum in a day. In or out of public. It's a big number.

The single most difficult part of parenthood? Trimming a baby's toenails. Fingernails are hard, but toenails are actually impossible.

How much my social skills have suffered. "Hi friend! How are you! I know - we haven't hung out in noooo, don't eat that! Hey look, a doggy! Yeah, I know, so, Obamacare, right? Oh, I'm totally listening! Go get your toucan! Where's your toucan? Ok, monkey it is! Wait, what? Who's the polar vortex?"

Really wish we hadn't wasted money on a pack n play. Julia hated the bassinet feature as a newborn (full rebellion against sleeping in there from day one), outgrew the weight limit within two months, and now it collects dust. (Any buyers? I'll dust it!)

The only thing that will wake a sleeping newborn is the sound of a parent's head touching a pillow. Thunderstorms, bombs going off, or even accidentally bumping the crib have no effect. Older babies, however, will wake up if you start thinking about all the things you want to accomplish during naptime.

The weight of a sleeping infant's head resting on your chest is the most amazing feeling in the world.

Baby laughs are the best. The absolute best.

Sometimes the poo wins.